Selfhood · Article
Why Can Setting Boundaries Make You Feel Guilty?
Setting a boundary is not a rejection of a relationship; it makes room for the relationship to become more sustainable.
Guilt does not always mean we have done something wrong
For people used to putting others' needs first, setting a boundary can feel as though it puts the relationship at risk. Sometimes guilt comes not from making a wrong choice, but from stepping outside a familiar role.
A boundary does not mean cutting off a relationship
A healthy boundary makes clear what we can say yes to and where we need to stop. That clarity can serve to make a relationship more realistic and sustainable, rather than to punish the other person.
Boundaries do not have to be harsh or involve long explanations. A brief, clear and consistent sentence is often enough: ‘I won't be able to do that today’ or ‘I would like to discuss this when we are calm.’
Learning to hold a new boundary
The discomfort that follows setting a boundary may not disappear at once. Standing by your decision may require both noticing your feelings and resisting the automatic urge to step back. This is a skill that grows with practice.
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